ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
