You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
