I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
