Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
