I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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