You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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