my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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