i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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