It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
