I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
