My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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