Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
