i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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