I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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