Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
