how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I think i got beer on your cat.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
