How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize