Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
