the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
