Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
