it hurts more in the daytime
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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