Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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