so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
