I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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