Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
