I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
