I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
