Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
