Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
