Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
