Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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