I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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