I wish I could teleport
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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