I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize