By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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