at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
