I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
