Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Randomize
