those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
