She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
