It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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