So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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