I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
