well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
