Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
