my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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