On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
