my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
