so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
