Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
