I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
