im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
