When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
