i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
