I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
