when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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